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In all of these cases, the other person has not learned anything new, you have not come to any new understandings or solved any problems, and you have very likely created new negative feelings.Keep repeating this cycle and you have the makings of a problem relationship.Thus, students who set out at a disadvantage can be further hindered by an environment that is perceived as uncaring (Linares and Muñoz, 2011).
Ignoring the person’s concern by focusing on something else, like we did when we merely addressed a rule about being quiet, can make a person feel like they just don’t matter.
With option E, you’re already on your way to validating Gabe’s point of view. It’s a very simple, astoundingly fast way to make progress in a conversation: It eases tension, builds trust, and gets you and the other person to a solution more quickly.
This response can be the most destructive: Not only does the person still feel the way they felt before, but now they have added a layer of resentment toward you.
Suppose you’re standing at your classroom door, greeting students as they arrive. Reminding Gabe to enter the room quietly doesn’t actually change his mind about the speeches. And by completely ignoring his concern, we are telling him that his feelings just aren’t important.
One of them—let’s call him Gabe—comes through and sees that on the daily agenda, you’ve written “Choose topics for speeches.” Right away, his shoulders slump. Ad hominem attacks, like the snide comment about Gabe complaining all the time, are another way of dismissing and delegitimizing the other person’s viewpoint.